I don’t like surprises.  I have one of those “readable” faces and it’s difficult to control the looks that express my feelings.  I recall some awkward gift exchanges at Christmas time, with friends, relatives, boys I was dating at the time.  That had more to do with not liking the gifts than that they were surprises, but if I’d known ahead of time what was inside the wrappings, I might have been able to practice looking delighted in the mirror so I would be ready for them.

I like being ready.  I like having a plan.  I like having a back-up plan too.  I like knowing what to expect.  I like having a map to follow.

Surprise is similar to change in some ways, and I react the same way to change.  That doesn’t mean I can’t be spontaneous and impulsive or suddenly inspired to do something else for a day.  I’m not inflexible.  But I don’t know if I can be spontaneous or impulsive or inspired without the safety of a good plan in place.

There are some big changes coming up in my world, again.  I have time to prepare for some, but others are still unknown.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading and studying in the thought/mind/ spirituality/ self-improvement genre, and I believe I have an inner core of God-given strength that will see me through this, and I’ll be all right again. 

My daughter and my grandsons are moving.  They will still be nearby, but won’t be living with me anymore.  I knew from the start our living arrangement was temporary – I live in a two bedroom house, she can’t go on sharing a bedroom with her sons forever. 

There are other nerve-rattling factors.  None of these have to do with my relationship with my daughter, she and I get along very well… we are “cut from the same cloth” as she sometimes says, and we know how to resolve our differences without hurting each other. 

The other factors have to do with my daughter’s biological father and his family, and her childhood step-father and his family.

I don’t know if I will want to stay in this old house alone anymore, maybe I’ll want an apartment.  But I will be close to my daughter and my grandsons and see them a lot.  I am sure I will be doing childcare for the twins.

So now my meditations are focused on gaining strength, loving without attachment, removing all feelings/thoughts of anger and resentment, and being compassionate.  I work hard at guarding my thoughts and feelings to not fall into those easy traps of righteous indignation – doing that is only going to hurt me, and I need to stay well, not hurt, right now.

Thanks, friends, for listening, for praying for me, for “being there” for me. 

My Christmas wish is that I can make the time away from my grandma duties to get around to all of your blogs and read and comment and wish you all well.